Sunday, May 17, 2015


Sometimes I find myself miserable, coz when I miss you I can't even say, "I miss you".
Miser-ability crosses it's limit when I want to see you and can't even say ,"hey! lets meet".

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Aftermath of love !

If love was it,
she thought-
she won't be able to love again. 

all the loves got drained-
in loving the lovable one.

The lovable one,
whose presence made her love-
everyone some more. 

Still love,
peaked the more-
gave her the strength. 

That strength,
which showed her the path-
let her intact.

which made her pious-
let her flee from the edge.

love was never hers-
she loved love some more.

Metta !!

Monday, May 4, 2015

प्रिय धरहरा !

प्रिय धरहरा,
तिमीलाई देखे 
कहिले नउठ्ने गरि 

त्यसरी देख्दा,
मन थामेको  
बाँध फुट्यो 
चित्त फाट्यो 
सुस्केरा छुट्यो 
हाँसो हरायो 
आखाँ रोयो 
आशु बग्यो। 

मनलाई संभाले 
हेरे फर्की एता उता 
फेरी देखे 
तिमी माथि चिल कौवा सरि 
झुन्डिएका ती 
मनुष्यका हुल 
तिमीलाई खोपि रहेका 
नोचि रहेका। 

प्रिय धरहरा, 
यस्तो एक्लो 
त्यसरि बर्सौ वर्ष 
ठाडिदा नि
कहिल्यै भएको थिएनौ त तिमी 
जसरि ढल्दा 
तिमि एक्लियौ 
र फेरी विस्मृति मा विलिन हुन पुग्यौं।। 

इति !!

Thursday, April 30, 2015

That day !

That day
when the day begun
it was cool and calm
but by the end, it was doomed to dark

That day,
when the earth thrashed
many hearts crashed
& just in a blink, lives vanished

That day,
everyone could just shout
heart wrenching were the voices
life-turning were the happenings

That day,
everyone of us wished
had the day never begun
had it never existed

After that day,
we hope
like every other day
this day passes too !!


Friday, April 17, 2015


I intrude into the un-intrudables.

Metta !

Tuesday, April 7, 2015


I watched you from somewhere distant. Wondered, you can still bring tears to my eyes. Closed my eyes. 

Metta !

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Last night!

I can somehow connect to the last supper as I sit and write the "Last night" as of now. What would last supper be like. The end of many things while something new starts on. 

For me as I write last night, I have so many things moving at the back of my head. Past 3 years roll down the memory lane. I will do this, I will be like this. Things will happen as such and all was there when I came to this place. For the past 3 years I have been in this place-- "Kailali"--I call it the other K-district of my life, as my life moves around some of the K-districts. Nevertheless, as I move on my hand, I feel like is it also important to write inhere? Do I really need to come up with my feelings on this wall ? or just keep it to myself as I would have always done. But then an inner voice told me to speak up and let this page of my life be the open page for today.

I am full with feelings but I will try expressing though I get speechless as always.

Dear Dhangadhi,

You have been an awesome caretaker throughout. I have seen you growing in these 3 years. Just that I never felt connected to you in that ways I would have felt otherwise. 
I am leaving you here.
Leaving where you were
leaving the way you were.

In coming days, yeah we will meet, but we will meet as those friends who were never close but were always together. I cherish our friendship. I know our roads will cross time and then, we will smilingly greet each other. And then again move in our own ways. I have loadsa memories from you/with you. I have had awesome relations being under your realm. I can never forget that. You have been an awesome companion.

Thank you for coming into my life. Your presence has let me grow the more all the while. Your presence really means a lot in life. I will remember you forever. I will cherish your presence in my life forever. You have witnessed the lonesome phases of me. You have witnessed the distant phases of me. You have also witnessed the connectedness phases of me and the happy/happening phases of me. As of now, I can see myself in different corners of "my room" here which will no longer remain mine from tomorrow. I can feel the different moods of mine captured in different blogs, the different stories which evolved in and around this place, the different feelings and the happenings thereafter which I lived. I have a swarm of thoughts as of now-inexpressible though. I will try posting them in the later days. For now a big THANKS to you as I sign off from this good-bye note.

"It's a beginning to the end"

I captured this sight at Dhangadhi Airport in Jan'2014
Until we meet again
5th April, Sunday, 2015
2:35 AM

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

निर्विकल्पित !

निर्विकल्प भएर ऊ विकल्प खोज्न हिडिछे।  थाहा थियो ऊलाई के भै राखेको छ, आगामी के हुनेछ अनि सबै ति तेस्ता कुराहरु। धेरै चोटि आउने बिचार नै यहि थियो कि ऊलाई हरेक कुराको पूर्वाभास कसरि हुन्छ।  फेरि सोच्थि केहि थाहा नै नहुने भए कति रमाइलो हुन्थ्यो जिन्दगि अनि फेरि अर्को सोच आई टोपल्थ्यो या बढि भयावह नै हुन्थ्यो।  जे होस् ऊस्को सोचको परिधि भन्दा बाहिर पुगिसकेको थियो हरेक कुरो अनि ऊ धेरै कुरो नि सहन नसक्ने भै सकेकि थिई।  

फेरी सोच्थि ऊस्ले चाहेंकि त थिइन नि य़ी सब कुरो फेरि उसै सँग किन हुन गएछ सब। तेहि भएर यि सब कुरो बाट टाढा रहन चाहन्थी ऊ। यि यदावत अन्तहिन सोचहरुले ऊस्लाई निकै नै गाह्रो गरिरहेको थियो केहि समय अघि देखि नै।  तर ऊस्को दुर्भाग्य ऊ केहि गर्न नि सक्दिन थिइ यस् बारे, आफुसँग गन-गन गर्न सिवाय।  

इति !

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The Torn Feathers!

She flapped her wings
they seemed torn
she tried to fly
far was the sky

She tried to speak
came out the whimpers
hard she cry
but her pains didn't die

She tend to stand tough
though she was in a grump
she did not squeak a bit
even her silence didn't speak

She was a masterpiece
still things were out of peace
she kept trying
though her efforts were dying

And then she left the grumblings
out came the sufferings
she saw her feathers cut
still she didn't grunt

Image courtesy: @DeviantArt

She-my friend (The "HALTED" story)

14th March, 2015 

After freshening up early in the morning, I directly went to my laptop. I had some quick emails to make as I was busy preparing for a trip starting the next day. It was a week long trip where I was to have limited access to email. With a cup of tea I sat before the screen and started my e-day. As I was going through the regular mails, a subject line drew my attention. It was written in bold letters 'HALTED'. This was a surprising 'subject' in an email from Preeya. Though she had had different complains at different point of time but this was more of a different subject line in her series of emails.  I somehow felt something was bothering her more this time, but still couldn't make out what. As I opened the mail my thoughts flew to her place;

Dear Suman,

I just wanted to tell you that the thoughts wanted to halt for sometime. They have had enough of battles with themselves...................................Preeya!

"This was the end of a brilliant piece of email," a thought swirled in my mind and vanished itself. I had seen her growing and glowing within different spheres and also witnessed that each day had been a battle for her but she was not the kind of person who would surrender. I never thought this word existed in her dictionary. But there she came with the word "Halted". I tried to figure out the meaning of this word. I typed "define halted" in a new tab and google came up with the option:

The word 'stop' drew my attention. "She wanted to 'stop'--but why??," I asked myself. 
"What was the reason of her stoppage? 
Why does she want to stop in the middle of nowhere?
Why such an email?
What has been bothering her so much?"

Questions overflooded me. I couldn't work anymore, I felt the need to speak to her. I called her immediately. In my 5th attempt she picked up the phone. 

"Hello," a timid voice spoke up from the other end. 

"Hey," was my brief say and immediately I flooded her with my questions. All the 5W1H were waiting for her.

"I do not have any answer for now Suman," she said. But she forgot it was me- the one with whom she cannot hide a word. 

"What happened Preeya, tell na," I said in a loving tone. She sounded melted.

"I don't find ways Suman, I feel helpless--with no way out. 
I feel I am creating delusions.
I feel possessive.
I feel obsessed.
I feel loved and thereby feel unloved.
I feel I donot have much time, I feel the urge to do something and suddenly my interest withers off. 
It is such a dilemma I am in, I can't tell,' she started crying.

I could feel all the pain in her voice. I knew her restlessness. I knew what she was going through, still I wanted to hear more from her. "Keep going," I said slowly.

She sulked her cries and added,"I want to fly Suman.
I just don't want to exist, I want to get existenceless.
I do not want to be there in the known world.
I want to dwell in an unknown world at many times. I have not slept for days just thinking this," she said in a quivering tone again.

I couldn't see her in pains anymore. I said,"Preeya, have you seen the dusk end?" I paused.

"Have you seen the dawn rise?
Have you felt the blowing breeze?"

She was quiet.

I added again,"everything is existential, everything has it's value. Time flows like the sand in hand. None of us can ever stop it. Can never break-through. 
You feel possessive-quite natural, no worries dear.
What you can do is do your part. You can love-but can't make others love.
Sing, dance, read, write, just ENJOY -- all your interests will be back. Remember there's an end to everything. 'Everything passes--as everything else does.' So let the unwanted ones pass and the wanted ones come on track. Stay happy dear. Happiness is the ultimate charm of life, so be happy." 

There was silence all around. I couldn't hear anything more. I could hear the silent snores in the phone. I felt how tired she was from past few days which came up as the snoring song. After listening to her sleeps, contentedly I put the phone down and got busy for the days' tasks.

15th March, 2015

Before leaving the town I checked my email briskly, this might be the last email checking for the rest of the week I thought. Under a pile of emails I was astonished to see the subject line ":-)". I couldn't help my smile and curiosity and opened up the email in a haste.

Dear Suman,

I feel happy. I see hope. Hope for today. Hope for tomorrow. More when you come back. I love you dear friend. Thank you for being there............................Preeya :-)!

I felt happy. Relaxed! The smile changed it's face value in my face.

Driver dai had started blowing horn at my door. I hurriedly closed the laptop, ran downstairs towards the door-smiling this time.

Image courtesy: Google Images.